The hardest part for me about being and author is dealing with my emotions. It’s hard to separate what I’m seeing trickle across social media from my self-worth. The lack of preorders for an upcoming release, sales coming in on my author dashboard, or the inevitable FOMO that we all experience at some point can be a trigger for me. Sometimes my emotions are so volatile that I can’t even be happy for an author friend or acquaintance when they hit a milestones. Especially when I’ve been striving to reach the same goal for years.
Those feelings fester, creeping slowly in until it feels as if I can’t breathe. Those same feelings begin to take root and cause me to question every decision and plan I’ve put in place for 2023. I find myself wanting to cancel every preorder and never write again. God bless my husband and his patience with the tears, anger, and self-resentment that come with these emotions because it’s times like these that are the hardest for me.
And I’m going through one of these bouts right now.
HTT is releasing in a week and preorder numbers for TOWCM are not anywhere near when I need them to be to reach my goal. I wanted to curl into a ball and hide like I usually do, but I can’t. Literally I can’t do it because believe me I tried lol.
My girls are on spring break this week, so I had a planned two weeks off from everything. I reschedule my editing date (because my editor is amazing!) and made plans to not touch anything during that time. Not my website. Not my Patreon. If I’m being honest, I wasn’t even going to send my newsletter today. I told myself that if I could stay away, then it was time to quit. And guess what… I couldn’t lol.
I’ve still been waking up before the sun to get my words for the day. I’m just as excited to sit down and write as I was before even with those feelings of self doubt began creeping in. I couldn’t surrender to those feelings because something in side me refused to give in.
What’s so different about this moment? About this bout this particular bout of self doubt… Me. I refuse to give in or to let that little voice in the back of my head win because well things could be worse. I’ve made no secret that my life took a drastic turn last year, and I’ve been struggling to find my footing.
But I survived and if I can survive all of that, I can survive anything.
For what feels like the first time, I know what I want. I know my goals and reason why I’m doing what I love. Sure there are things that aren’t going to work out the way I want, but now my stories matter more to me than ever before. The thought of not sharing them with the world is down right painful.
So I keep pushing forward. I tell that voice to shut the fuck up and sit down. I find the positive in the negative. I remind myself that when one door closes, another one opens… even if I have to wait for it. Its a challenge for sure, but I tell my girls to dream big and never give up so It’s time that I put up or shut up, don’t you think?